Every year in May on the second Sunday of the month we celebrate Mother's Day (in Canada and the US). I felt this deep pull to showcase and celebrate stories of motherhood in hopes that current mommas and future mommas can relate to and know that they're not alone in their struggles.
Meet Jen. She is a mom of a 3.5 year old son and an 18 month old daughter and works as a Senior Event Producer for TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) full-time from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Both kids are home full-time and she takes turns with her husband watching their kids throughout their workday. AND she's returning to university in June on a part-time basis!
She graciously shared some vulnerable parts of her motherhood though two birth and postpartum experiences.
These are her words.
"Finding out you're pregnant, and growing a human has got to be one of the most beautiful and terrifying experiences. This continues on into motherhood. Seeing your baby born, watching them open their eyes for the first time, their first cry, the first time they roll over. All of their firsts are so magical! Watching them experience and learn about themselves and their environment is so fulfilling. Beautiful. With these comes the hardships of feeling so terribly ill equipped to care for a human, the feeling of loneliness when you're never alone, breastfeeding struggles, sacrificing intimacy with your partner, sleep struggles, hormone regulation, and mom shame. In a way you're born a new person the same day your baby is. You must rediscover yourself and this new role while maintaining pieces of yourself that you love. A constant struggle that is both beautiful but incredibly hard and raw."
"In a way you're born a new person the
same day your baby is."
I asked her to elaborate on a few things she touched on.
What was terrifying about finding out you were pregnant? What was terrifying about being pregnant?
"When Jer and I found out we were pregnant we were actually just recovering from a miscarriage; it was scary to face whether this pregnancy was going to make it through. When we made it to the 2nd trimester, I had 2 hospital visits due to insanely painful round ligament pains (worse than labour almost...). I was also constantly worried about anything that was going into my body, the changes happening, and looking forward to labour and nervous about not knowing what to expect. Even with a labour class, it's still such an unknown! We were supposed to have a c-section due to some size issues and positioning, but by the time the due date came, Lucas was head down and ready to go!"
How did loneliness affect your mood/mental health?
"My first postpartum journey was so hard. I remember waking up to pump, alone and in the corner of a room and just crying. I craved interaction with people and an existence beyond my child. Thankfully my support system at home was amazing. My sister who had just had a baby 18 months prior reached out regularly. She was a huge life line for me! My second one was worse. I developed postpartum rage and seemed to aim it at my daughter. So unfair to her, I know! But my support system and my doctor helped me overcome that. I talked about how I felt, openly with both my doctor and my husband. It made a huge difference to have people to talk to about these horrible thoughts running through my head and know that I wasn't being judged. Over time and through outlets like fitness, I was able to recover. It's an ongoing process though."
What were your specific struggles with breastfeeding? Low supply? Over supply? Latch?
"This speaks to me on so many levels because both my breastfeeding experiences were different. My first child had a tongue tie that was missed by 3 separate professionals (hospital doctor, pediatrician and in-home lactation consultant) so breastfeeding was super painful, and my supply wasn't coming in as it should be. I ended up visiting the Newman clinic 6 or so times to try and get the help I needed. They are very 'breast fed only' which was not a nice or welcoming experience. They diagnosed Lucas with a tongue tie, and a lip tie. Both had to be reversed and the tongue tie had to be done twice. It was a horrifying experience to watch even though I knew it was what he needed. Protective mom instincts kick in! From there feeding was easy, but my supply never became what it should. We fought through clogged ducts multiple times (which are super painful), a nursing strike and after 4 months finally stopped nursing and switched exclusively to bottles/formula. My second breastfeeding journey was much smoother and I was more experienced. I already gave myself the mental talk and a time limit that if it's not working, I'm not torturing myself for 4 months. I gave myself 2 weeks. I also got help right away because she wasn't latching well and my nipples were taking a major hit! After not getting much from the public health nurse, I opted to pay for an in-home consultant. She was MAGNIFICENT! After 1 week, my daughter and I had a beautiful breastfeeding journey that lasted approximately 14 months."
"This was my first NON painful feeding
experience with her - it was a beautiful
and raw moment for me."
Can you give an example of when you've felt mom-shame?
"I feel it often. I think part of what makes being a mom now is everything is so public and is a 'highlight' reel. If i'm having a rough day (headache, mood, etc.) and I plop my kids in front of the TV, I feel shame. If I'm too tired to get them dressed to go play outside in the snow - shame. I'm working on this a lot with my therapist right now as it plays into my anxiety. She often says, "you have to decide how much weight and room you want to give to these thoughts".
My biggest take away, and something I also say to moms is: don't hide it. Motherhood is raw. There is no shame in postpartum anxiety/rage/depression, there is no shame in breastfeeding difficulty, there is no shame in missing your life pre-kids. Talk it out. Talk to your partner, an understanding friend, a therapist. Get help early. This is a huge reason as to why I want to be a postpartum therapist. Moms need so much more support than is offered to them. We need 'new mom' checks just like babies get."
I LOVE EVERYTHING about what Jenn shared and can personally relate to a lot of her experiences - breastfeeding struggles, loneliness and trying to find myself again within this role of motherhood.
Is there a part of her story that resonates with you?
You can follow Jen on Instagram at @mrs.jenreeves
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