This story will bring on the waterworks (so have some tissues handy...you've been forwarded). I share these stories to bring normal-ness to the struggles of motherhood - whether that's within the journey to become a mother or the experience of all of the things that come along with being a mother. These struggles are all valid and unique to the person they are happening to. No journey to motherhood is the same, yet they can be similar. And it's in the similarities where we can gain the most comfort and connection.
Meet Joslynn. She's a mom of an adorable 10 month old boy, holds a Bachelor of Kinesiology degree, spent many years working as a Certified Personal Trainer and has recently completed her diploma in Holistic Nutrition (while pregnant with her little one). She dreams of having her own holistic health practice one day focused on fertility and prenatal/postnatal health. But currently she's enjoying time at home with her adorable little man.
I had the pleasure of working with Joslynn both as a colleague (when we both managed corporate fitness centres) AND as a client in my signature program Postpartum STRONG after the birth of her son. These are her words.
"The journey to motherhood is like an iceberg. What you see on the surface may only be a fraction of the load.
We were on our honeymoon when we spontaneously decided to start “trying” to conceive…but without trying. Confusing? Yes. It was an earlier timeframe than we had discussed, but it felt right and we wanted to have some fun with the process. Little did I know that this “fun” would soon turn into me obsessing over my period tracking app and googling EVERY symptom I felt, followed by the words ‘early pregnancy sign?’.
"We didn’t really tell anyone we were “trying” as we
wanted it to be a surprise. Looking back, I regret this.
I had never felt so alone."
Each month passed by. The two week wait would always feel like the longessst two weeks of my life and eventually my period would come. I would cry… a lot. The days my period would come eventually became a write-off. I would retreat into my pity party and often stay there for hours or sometimes days. We didn’t really tell anyone we were “trying” as we wanted it to be a surprise. Looking back, I regret this. I had never felt so alone.
Fast-forward 6 months. I did not even recognize who I had become. I had completely lost myself in the process and I knew something needed to change. I deleted my tracking app, threw away the pregnancy tests that were under my sink and even gifted the pair of baby shoes I had originally bought to surprise my husband with, if that day ever came.
28 days later… I had my first BFP (Big Fat Positive). It was August 19, 2019. My period was a few days late and I was feeling “off”. I remember stopping for groceries on the way home from a workout class and I contemplated buying a pregnancy test. I was mad at myself for even letting that thought slip into my head. In the end, I allowed myself to buy one test. But
just the single pack - not the double. The last thing I needed was more tests under my sink.
When I got home, I took the test. I was so upset for doing this to myself again. I almost didn’t look at it. When I turned it over, there were two pink lines. It took a second to register. I was in shock. And then I cried. Like ugly cried. Over the next few weeks, we slowly shared the news with our family and close friends. We thought up fun ways to announce it and filmed everyones reactions! It felt so surreal.
On September 17th, we had our first ultrasound. I was so excited to see our baby for the first time! But the morning of our appointment I had a pit in my stomach. Something just felt off. When we were in the waiting room, I told my husband I was nervous and didn’t have a good feeling. He reassured me this was normal and that everything would be okay. I was in the room by myself and the ultrasound was taking longer than I expected. I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. After what felt like hours, the tech said she wasn’t seeing everything you would expect to see on an 8 week scan. She told me to get dressed and she called my husband into the room to wait with me. My heart sank. The tech ushered us to the doctor. I was still standing when I heard her say, “Did the tech tell you she did not find a heartbeat?”.
"Was it my fault? Did I want this too much?
Was it that spin class I went to last week?
My mind was racing and my heart was broken."
My head started spinning and I felt like I was going to throw-up. My husband helped me into a chair and the rest of the conversation with the doctor was a complete blur. I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to get out of the clinic. When we got outside, I fell to the ground and broke down. Was it my fault? Did I want this too much? Was it that spin class I went to last week? My mind was racing and my heart was broken. We learned that I was having a missed miscarriage. I had no signs of miscarrying (bleeding, cramping, etc). The baby stopped developing at 7 weeks and 5 days, but my body did not want to let go. I was referred to the women’s health centre for further assessment. At my appointment I was provided with three options."
Wait and see if my body naturally miscarries
Medicated miscarriage
D &C (Dilation and Curettage)
A missed (or silent) miscarriage is one where the baby has died or not developed, but has not been physically miscarried. In many cases, there has been no sign that anything was wrong, so the news can come as a complete shock. The statistics around miscarriages are varied, mainly due to the fact that many are not medically reported or they occur even before the mother even knows she's pregnant. Studies have shown that as much as 10-25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. The risk of a missed miscarriage is around 1%.
"After weighing out the pros and cons, I opted for the medicated miscarriage. This was not an easy decision for me. On October 4th, my husband stayed home from work and we made a big breakfast with all of my favourite foods. I was told to take the medication on a full stomach, so that is exactly what I did. After taking the medication, I curled up on the couch and watched episodes of ‘The Office’. I physically felt prepared for this moment. I had snacks, magazines, Depends and painkillers all lined up, ready to go.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the contractions and the physical exhaustion that would soon take over. They told me it would feel like bad period cramps. I have had menstrual cramps since I was 13 years old and I can tell you this did not even compare. I started experiencing contractions for 30 seconds with a 30-60 second break in between. I was completely caught off guard and had a hard time staying in control of my breath and body. I remember feeling lightheaded and nauseous, and I eventually vomited. I kept telling my husband to make it stop. I didn’t want to go through it anymore. Nine hours after taking the medication, I passed the embryo. I was sitting on the toilet when it happened, and I honestly felt numb. I was physically and emotionally drained.
After that, I cried most days. Often times it was first thing in the morning or when I would crawl into bed at night. I eventually sought out counselling; specific to infertility and pregnancy loss. Counselling created a safe place for me to share my story, to talk about my baby… and to cry. I also discussed my fear and anxiety around trying to conceive again. My counsellor helped me get to a place where I felt safe and emotionally ready to try again.
(Joslynn on the day of her medicated miscarriage)
On February 11, 2020 I saw those two pink lines again and on October 27, 2020, I gave birth to our rainbow baby! Pregnancy after loss was its own beast, but I am beyond grateful for my healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby boy.
Pregnancy loss is something that happens more often than it should, but it is not talked about enough. I relied heavily on the support of other women and their stories and I feel so grateful for their vulnerability; It helped me feel less alone. If I can help one person feel less alone by sharing my story, I will feel a little more complete and my heart will hurt a little less."
I agree wholeheartedly with Joslynn's final statement - support from other women and hearing their stories can help us feel less alone in our struggle. You are not alone momma.
You can follow Joslynn on Instagram at @jb_wellness to see more on her journey through motherhood, check out some great tips on holistic nutrition or connect with her shared experience of pregnancy loss.
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